Working Mom Regrets

I can’t believe I’ve had children with this man, I thought to myself as we walked down the sidewalk. The four of us, nearly a family, except that we weren’t. We had actually just signed and filed the divorce papers a few weeks ago. I watched the top of Adia’s curly head and looked at Cara’s newly painted toenails poking of her sandals, while I pretend to listen to their father. Drew was talking animatedly about some new idea for a show he planned to pitch to a local radio station. He was always excited about something new. I tried not to let that thought lead me into bitter territory. I had promised myself I would not be angry today. I had wanted to see the kids, so I had determined to endure his irritating conversation for an hour. At least he had been accommodating enough to bring them to me on my lunch break, even though it was the start of his weekend with them. The girls were subdued, and I wondered how they must feel when they are with the two of us. It was obvious that there was nothing left between us, nothing but our children, and I wondered again at how I had ever had the desire to have a family with this man. Then, I felt Adia’s soft little hand in mine, and I quieted the thought. I couldn’t imagine a world without them in it.

The downtown library was just across the street from the building I worked in. We walked in the double doors, and there were moms and children everywhere. Pushing strollers with sandals on, reminding me that I was not part of that world anymore. I tugged self-consciously at my suit jack and slipped it off my shoulders. I work full time now and mommy on the side. I am not sure if I will ever be able to reconcile myself with the guilt I feel at leaving my kids every day, especially since they also spend weekends away at their dad’s house. I miss our mornings together, snuggling on the couch, drinking chocolate milk and watching “The Wiggles.” I miss lunches on the back porch and trips to the park. Washing sticky fingers and kissing boo-boos. I am not even sure how much Adia weighs now or how many inches Cara has grown, but every week they seem to outgrow something else. That reminded me, I still needed to get that basket of their clean clothes put away. I am just always so tired when I get home, and dinner needs to be made, the girls fed and bathed. Dishes need to be washed, and toys put away... There is just not enough time anymore.